What Your Guy Really Thinks About Your Looks

Mysteries of the shared bathroom 

Some couples are foolish enough to share a bathroom. There are three possible reasons for this: one, they are stupid; two, they don’t know any better; or, three, they can’t afford an extra bathroom. Regardless, the setup is always the same. On side one you have the guy’s stuff. This includes a razor, shaving cream, toothbrush, and if you’re guy is cosmopolitan, deodorant and mouthwash. None of these items is useful in improving your looks ... or, for the most part, his.

Side two is where it gets interesting, and it’s not a place for the faint of heart. Here you will find various bottles. They might include lotions, hair products, appliers, removers, makeups, fragrances, unicorn dust, and so on. We don’t personally know what these containers contain, because they all have names like “Persimmon Tea Hydrating Masking Rejuvenating Oil.” But, we do know their purpose.

You bought all these things in a desperate attempt to feel pretty. And for good reason. Marketers the world over have invested billions of dollars in a never-ending campaign to make you feel fat, ugly, gross, and generally unattractive. Oh, and you have bad skin. Probably your hair is too greasy, or too dry. The clothes in your closet are useless, and they only serve to highlight your array of imperfections. Christ, it’s a wonder you ever leave the house at all.

So you have to spend money on these things. Otherwise, you will never truly be happy - the marketers told you so. And these things you buy accrue, taking up space, until even you, a subject matter expert if ever there was, don’t really know what to do. This is why your side of the bathroom looks a lot like the inside of Ulta on Black Friday. 

Preparing for a night out

It must be infuriating, really. Imagine you’ve been invited to a wedding. She’s a friend, not too close, but you really should go because there was that one time in that place with the guy and the thing, and, well, she really helped you out. The invitation is plus one, but you’ve got that covered. You send an innocuous calendar invite to your guy, not really spelling out what’s happening, just making sure he’s got time blocked on this special day. This of course isn’t nearly enough to know your guy will be ready, or even aware he has plans, but it’s a start. 

Next you wait for just the right moment and then, somewhere in the third quarter and between his third and fourth beer you breeze by, distracted, and casually mention you need him to be your date at your friend’s wedding next Saturday. Because you’re not a complete idiot, you do not stop to discuss it. There! Now you can RSVP!

During the next week you obsess about your dress, as though you were getting married yourself. You make appointments to get your hair and nails done, worry over shoes, and glare at the adult zit that has decided now is a good time to announce itself to the world. Friday before the wedding, you decide to “surprise” your guy by cooking a fancy dinner for him. Or maybe you order a pizza. The point is, you are there, and you can guide him to the finish line in person. 

The day has now arrived, and you lock yourself in the bathroom with all your various bottles, your four new dresses and three new pairs of shoes. Hours pass. You’ve done the best you can, and you’re kind of okay with the result. Thanks to the thousands of dollars you spent, you’re not, per se, horrific. So you emerge, nod to your guy, and tell him you need to leave in one hour.

And nothing happens. There is no whirlwind of activity, not abrupt cursing, not the slightest sense of panic. Nor should there be. Your guy needs, if he’s off his game, maybe fifteen full minutes to get ready and be out the door. For now, Sportscenter continues. 

Reflecting on your looks

After the wedding, you reflect. How did you look? How did everyone else look, especially compared to you? No quantity of Instagram posts will fully resolve these questions, not that you won’t try. But here’s the thing: I guarantee you are beautiful in the eyes of your guy, and here is indisputable proof. One, don’t think for a minute your guy would have gone to this thing if he didn’t want to please you. He saw the calendar invitation, and he heard you over the roar of the game. Two, you’re looking at him now, which means he tried really hard not to screw up too bad. Why? Because you’re beautiful, and deep down he knows he’s really, really lucky to be with you. 

It may drive you nuts that you willingly spend hours getting ready while it takes your guy a few short minutes. Here’s a guy secret, and write this down if you need to: your guy is every bit as self-conscious about his looks as you are about yours. He sees every imperfection in his physical appearance, including those that aren’t there. They bother him, more than you’ll ever know. But when he looks at you, he doesn’t see what you see. He sees your beauty and he sees the effort you make, and he appreciates it. If you two don’t make it, I guarantee it’s not because you weren’t pretty enough, because you are, and he knows it. With or without all the stuff in the bathroom.